<—— Who hasn’t felt like this? If you haven’t, consider yourself lucky. Yesterday morning I received a text message from a good friend who meant well, but ended up ruining pretty much my whole day and today’s not looking too good either. The text read, “I was “facebook stalking” last night, and saw the new guy your ex is dating… You’reWAYYYYYYYYY hotter…”
Personally, I hadn’t really thought about my ex in a while, and it was just like ripping a band-aid off of a scab that hadn’t healed completely yet. It made me think, “REALLY? SHE LIKES A GUY THAT’S NOT AS ATTRACTIVE AS ME??? SO YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT SHE WOULD RATHER DATE AN UGLY GUY THAN GO OUT WITH ME??? SWEEEET… THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A TOTAL WINNER!!!” ugh….
It made me start thinking about my inspiration and my writing style. Have you noticed that a lot of my songs deal with heartbreak? (Pocket Change, She’s So Bad For Me, Just Let Me Love You, Can’t Be Your Man, Something’s Telling Me…etc…) The truth is, that music is my escape from feelings, sometimes.
I was the ugly duckling growing up. In my Jr. High and Highschool years, I couldn’t date any girls to save my life. I was PALE white, maybe 100 pounds on a good day (Mostly my clothes…), and had these eyebrows that went on for miles…. My friends made fun of me, and would go on dates with the girls that they knew I liked, but I was too shy, scared, or loyal, to say anything…
I can still tell you the progression of girls who broke my heart by either not liking me, or dating me for a bit, and it not working out. (Wanna test me??? Herrari (Kindergarten-1st Grade), Jessica McDonough (2nd Grade), Marissa (3rd-5th Grade), Amerah (6th- 7th), Lyn (7th and I wrote “Something’s Telling Me” based on her…) Joy (8th-11th), and Jenny D.(11th). None of those girls were my girlfriends, and I didn’t even tell most of them that I liked them… I was much too shy for that…)
My first girlfriend was Jennifer N. We dated for 18 months my Junior and Senior years and I was pretty head over heals for her. She was my first kiss… (I was 18… I know I was a late bloomer, okay???) And if I hadn’t decided that the distance would be too difficult I probably would have never moved away from San Jose. When we broke up, it was terrible. I hated hurting her, and it was almost worse than the feeling I had with feeling rejected all of the years before…
The summer before college, I met a girl named Mae, and went to work at a camp to get to know her better. While up there, I met a girl named Cassie, and my life was changed. Cassie was the first girl I can honestly say that I fell in love with. I will have to do another post about how much I felt for her and how magical that summer was. “Pocket Change” and “Rain” were both written about her, and she got married to the guy that she dated right after me. (We broke up because I couldn’t handle being in an ULTRA CONSERVATIVE college and thinking I was some sort of “Super Christian” after a good brainwashing I received my freshman year.)
I went out with a few other girls after that. Some of them were worth talking about, the others were stupid. (One even decided to date my RA in college a few days after she told me I could take her out, and absolutely devastated me the first month in San Diego.) Then I met Melissa. She and I dated for three years. “Austin” was written about her and losing her was probably the biggest mistake I’d ever had… But it happened a month after Nathan went away to jail, and I was at the lowest point in my life with losing the apartment we were living in, and missing my brother/quitting music had alot to do with it. I had a few chances to get her back, and messed it up every time. Now, she’s getting married, or is married and I’m happy for her, but if I had a time machine, I’d be back there fixing it. She was and is honestly the best person I’ve ever met.
A few years went by and I didn’t really date anyone serious. Then I met Sarah. I fell so hard for her, it was ridiculous. It was July of 2008, and I knew my life would be terrible if I didn’t go out with her. We struck up casual conversations, and we finally dated for a few weeks. She didn’t like that I was singing songs and looking at her… she thought it was awkward…. and then it dissolved. “Sarah’s Song” was about her… but she didn’t like it much. That one stung. She became pregnant with the guy she dated after me, and they got married.
The latest girl was the first girl that I even considered dating since Sarah in 2008. She was as beautiful as a Christmas present, but probably too young to know what she wanted. We were also pretty opposite. I’m a pretty hard working-bitter guy who watches his back regularly, and keeps people at arms distance at all times. She’s kind of a spiritual hippie who doesn’t eat meat… (WEIRD…) But it didn’t matter to me, because she made me feel confident, and every time we were around each other, I was invincible. I wrote most of the material for my new record off of my relationship with her. I started noticing that she didn’t really care that I was writing songs about her, but rather that she wanted me to write songs she could sing. So I started trying to write songs that she could sing for her career… I even moved to LA… then… she just disappeared. She came back for a minute as a friend, but hasn’t talked to me since. I’ve been working on forgetting about her, and have gone out on other dates, but I can’t just force the feelings out. So I just keep writing, and hoping that eventually I’ll misremember. (Or get good material out of it…)
But when I got the text from my friend, it hurt… badly. I don’t want to know how she’s doing. In fact, if I had that time machine from earlier, I’d go back and skip the show we met at. She hurt me so badly and blatantly that it’s ridiculous that hearing about her still makes me wince. You’d think I’d be able to just turn around and walk away with a clear conscience that I gave her all I had, and she abused it, but nope… I just keep wishing she’d be different… So rather than get over it, I just hide it away, and let it come out when I write, or when I am upset about other things.
Long and short of it, maybe I’m addicted to love. Maybe I need to just keep away from girls in general. 😛 I don’t have much to offer them, at this point in my life, anyways. I’m broke, struggling at weight loss, and I have a lot of goals to reach for with my music and that doesn’t really leave much room for dating.
Anyways, That’s just what I was thinking of today. I think I’m gonna go “escape” and write something right now. I’ll leave you with the first two lines from a song I wrote the other day that have already been critiqued by people, but “ef” em. I can rhyme the same word to itself. I’m Josh Damigo, and I like it. ;-P I love you guys and hope to see you soon.
i’ve told all my friends that i’m over you… but like a puppy dog, i’d still follow you…