Sorry this has taken a bit to write. Today’s been busy with it’s own adventures and this cold is kicking my butt…
Drove all night till I got to San Diego. (took a long nap in Santa Barbara and then picked up a hitchhiker!) 🙂 Got back to my place in San Diego long enough to finish the last bit of antibiotics for my throat, and took off to sound check.
The show in San Diego was fantastic, but I sat backstage most of the night trying to put color in my face. Apparently I can turn an even ghostlier white than I usually am. Chris Wilson and his band played a riot of a set, and I hobbled up on stage like a dying old man.
I’ll say this, I put everything I had left on the stage, and then I went back and collapsed. I think I spread myself out too thin this time, and with mounting outside pressures, I’ve found myself pretty run down. Maybe I’m too old, maybe I don’t eat well enough, maybe I don’t sleep enough, maybe I’m just pushing too hard, but something needs to change.
I don’t know what it is but a half hour before sound check, I found myself deep in the midst of a panic attack. It felt like I had let everyone down. That this tour was a ridiculous waste of time. That I was trying to force something I colluding afford, be someone I couldn’t really be, do something that was beyond what I’m capable. Then it was my turn to play.
During the first song, I did a “I’ll Be” cover. It was almost laughable how incredibly rude people were. I can’t remember the last time that I saw so many people loudly walk out of a venue. Maybe they are used to loud bars or maybe I was being a little too trusting of a new audience, but when everyone finished settling, I was about 3 songs in, and faking a smile he best I could. I think sometimes that’s all one can do. Just smile and wait for things to get better.
Nah. I don’t wanna be negative. No more thinking like that. Truth is I felt good on stage. Today I’m not feeling well, and I’m having trouble sleeping, but tomorrow I’m going to wake up and fight again. I think this tour was about fighting. Fighting my demons, fighting my fears, pushing my limits, and now, I’m figuring out what’s next. Maybe I’ve steered this ship as far as I can, and I need someone else to come take it over, but tonight, I’m thankful that I have a home, a warm bed, and a full stomach. I might be sick and achy, but I’m doing the best I can, and I’m going to sleep well knowing that.
Goodnight everyone and goodnight #brokeasstour.