I’m upset. I don’t know why. I don’t know where it started. I can’t put my finger on it. What I can do is know that right now I need to breathe, and I’m forgetting how to. Why do I get this way? What makes my brain go from, “Man, I’m having a great day.” to “I’m ungrateful and no one can make me happy.” I even got mad over the phone to one of my good friends. I don’t want to be ugly to people, but sometimes, it happens.
One of the quotes I heard was by Yoda. “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” Well said, little green man.
So lets figure this out.
- I was upset because of my weight this morning. So I worked out. Didn’t really help, because I couldn’t do as many reps as I wanted… But I finished the workout. But the aggravation lingered.
- I was upset because I tried to get my e-mail to work, and it wasn’t. So I scheduled a meeting with my buddy who helps with IT problems. I was late to a meeting because of it, but it will be fixed tomorrow. The annoyance lingered.
- My friend came to me with an opportunity that could be really cool, but it would be a ton of work, and possibly career altering… but the immediate pressures I put on myself to make it great took all of the fun that it could be out of the equation. Not aggravated by it, or annoyed, just feeling pensive.
- Someone posted a snarky comment on my facebook. That bugged me, but I shook it off. That stuff is starting to not bother me as much, but people are just stupid and rude sometimes.
- My ex-girlfriend (Or whatever she would call herself…) decided to leave a comment on my best friend’s status. She still affects me. I haven’t talked to her in over a year and some, and it still gets to me. That just hurt. I avoid her as much as possible, but there’s not escaping it sometimes.
- In the back of my head, someone who is very dear to me has become absent. I don’t stop thinking about her much. It’s not my fault, but I don’t think there is a world in where she and I could both be happy together. Something has to give, and neither one of us ever will. I guess that hurts too.
Lastly, I find that I get really frustrated when other people try to help me with my problems. When I have a problem, I play it over and over again in my head. I examine every angle. I read and reread and over think it until it’s dissected into little pieces and they’ve all been carefully examined. When another person butts in to try to help it just frustrates me, because I have to re-explain the situation again for what may have been the 40th time. (maybe more.) Then, I snap at them…. and that’s not fair.
So what do I do? Well… I guess I try to get to the root of the problem. Where does all of it come from? They must all be branches from the same stem, right?
I guess that’s something I’ll have to talk to a therapist about when I can afford one. Maybe I’ll go read my blogs and figure it out. I got a great text from my friend who let me know that she feels that way too. Sometimes that’s the key. Just knowing you’re not the only one going through problems. Right after that, I got a phone call from my buddy B. Willing. He said, “What’s up?” I said “I have a fear of rejection… I’m gonna work on it…” He laughed pretty incredibly hard. When I asked why he was asking, he just said, “That’s just kinda the best thing I’ve heard.” I guess the way I said it was so stately. Ah well. I am going to. Or I’m gonna die trying.
I need to go and apologize to a few people I may have snapped at. I hope you have a good day, you beautiful, beautiful person.